So, basically it was a tiring yet fun Black Saturday for me.
Since I didn’t wanna stay at home today because I’ve been stuck here since Wednesday, I decided to go with my sister to the gym. I agreed to do boxing and muay thai because I wanna lose fucking weight. Hahaha. I got so tired, I pushed myself too hard and ended up vomitting a hell lot after the warm up. I was about to give up but then, I thought nothing’s going to happen if I will just sit at the bench and watch them. So I went for it and ended up having so much fun. My body hurts a lot though. But it was really worth it :)
Then I went to Trinoma to meet my college friends and their girlfriends and I ended up third wheeling. Idk but the thought of them having someone who is there for them all the time made me miss my ex so much. I have this feeling that no one’s gonna want to take his place, that no one’s going to be there for me anymore. I’m afraid that I’m going to die alone.
And, oh. I haven’t told you guys that the guy who’s courting me gave up on me. Because I kept on talking about my ex… He told me that it’s already to much, so yep. I’m all alone again.
I feel so broken hearted right now. And I don’t know what to do because no one really cares :( Talk, anyone? Please? I beg you guys, haha.
Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.
Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.
She loves you.
She has been in love with you for too long.
So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.
Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.
Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.
Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.
What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.
Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reach out to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?
She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.
But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.
Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Hindi ko na alam ano uunahin ko.
'Yung blog ko na punong puno ng kwento namin at tungkol sa pagb-break namin. Sana sa susunod na relationship ko, mga nakakakilig naman na kwento mailalagay ko sa blog ko.